Beyond the Binary

I've chosen one quote (of many I love) to feature on my website. “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there..." As an adoptee and an active member of various adoption communities, it is increasingly important to me that we move toward that field, beyond dichotomous ideas of rightness and wrongness, good/bad, either/or. Judgment and defensiveness brew in the non-overlapping boxes of "is it right or wrong, good or bad?" Judgment and defensiveness prevent us from listening deeply and they strip us of empathy. I've been there, and I still visit from time to time, but I work hard to keep those visits brief. My interludes with defensiveness and judgment are often accompanied by resentment, fatigue, anger, fear or vulnerability (to name a few). When I'm able to engage with this tension, increase mindfulness and reach out to my supports, I can find my way back to the field of healthy critical analysis, empathy and deep listening. Of course this process is fluid, and my own abilities continue to evolve--they ebb and flow based on my internal and external resources, current stressors, distractions and triggers. I believe this is a common experience and these are applicable concepts to be applied liberally; but I have a special interest in how this plays out among members of the adoption constellation (adoptees, birth/first/natural parents, adoptive parents, partners/cousins/siblings/friends of, etc). I worry (and admittedly become frustrated at times) when, in exploration of adoption, we get stuck in simplistic summaries of complex matters involving trauma, separation, loss and identity. Adoption is a complex industry, an adoptive family is a different kind of family than a biological one, and those who identify as members of the adoption constellation present to the world a diversity of experiences within it. And yet... our tendency can be to insist on pro/anti labels which perpetuate an unfortunate, stark division in the adoption world and hinder necessary progress toward anti-oppressive practices in adoption. 

What follows is my effort to highlight the coexistence of incompatible adoption-related issues--this is an incomplete list that begins to unpack the ways in which adoption is not either simply good or simply bad:

Adoption is not all good: 

• the "baby scoop" era (1945-72), during which women were coerced into relinquishing their children for adoption
• the "Indian Adoption Project" (1950s-60s), during which American Indian children were systematically placed with white families
• adoption is a practice that results, in part, from poverty, war, stigmas associated with single motherhood, but it is not likely to reduce poverty, war or stigmas in a significant way (in fact, it may contribute to those things)
• private adoption in the United States is not regulated; practices vary widely agency to agency, attorney to attorney
• there are ethical concerns regarding the exchange of large sums of money to adopt a child
• many birth/first/natural parents report significant trauma resulting from the placement of a child for adoption
• many adoptees, particularly those of closed and/or transnational adoption, report significant loss not having connection to heritage, first language or culture, biological family 
• many adoptive parents report feeling inadequately prepared for challenges in their adoptive families due to the lack of inclusive, holistic support that acknowledges the complexities in adoption
• thousands of children wait to be adopted in the US child welfare/foster care system

Adoption is not all bad:

• the Indian Child Welfare Act addressed the displacement of American Indian children and currently promotes kinship adoption when adoption is necessary
•  the US child welfare system promotes kinship adoption and open adoption when possible, and has minimal fees associated with adoption for the children waiting to be adopted out of foster care (also, this is a regulated public system)
• many adoptees reflect positively about their experiences with their adoptive families
• adoption, when implemented in safe, thoughtful, ethical ways, can provide stability for children who are not able to remain with biological/first family

Adoption has both failures and successes, it has both tragedy and triumph.  Adoption is neither simply good nor simply bad. Because many of the truths in adoption are incompatible, it is not uncommon for those of us in the adoption constellation to experience grief, intense emotions, confusion, tension. Because it can be overwhelming, I find it most helpful when we create space to share authentically and hear each other. It is meaningful and affirming when we can connect about the complexities of what it means to be adopted or to otherwise live with adoption. In my work as a clinician and activist, and personally as an adoptee, I will always value deep listening, constructive criticism and sincere efforts to expand knowledge and awareness that take us beyond the binary.