 With a mental health practice primarily serving young families, I predictably face questions about parenting. I routinely bear witness to the distress that accompanies insecurity, fear and overwhelm in parenthood. This distress is often amplified by pregnancy/postpartum depression and anxiety (or the lingering symptoms and effects of PPD/A as children grow). Plus, we're all familiar with the plethora of expert (and novice) advice ranging dramatically in approach, adding to (causing?) the confusion and frustration.
This is why I have much gratitude for the groundbreaking work of the Walsh family: Erin, Dr. Dave, and Monica. Their business, Mind Positive Parenting, has become one of the "go-to" parenting resources I enthusiastically offer my clients and community--I highly recommend this to parents, professionals working with parents, and anyone (parent or not) who's part of a "village." Erin Walsh is a friend from college, where we grew together in friendship and feminism while working at the university's Campus Women's Center. A skilled educator and a natural leader with unrivaled Midwestern warmth, Erin joined her parents' institute, its mission to "equip parents and communities to raise children and youth who can thrive, meeting the challenges of the 21stCentury." Using brain science to inform their work, these folks are leaders in the conversation about raising healthy, empathic children (read more about them here). Mind Positive Parenting helps deepen our understanding of the intersections of child development, media and research, while empowering families to effectively translate and use this information. Perhaps most profoundly, they insist upon each family's uniqueness, a truth that challenges sweeping generalizations and rigid measurements of "success." They openly speak to the tricky balancing act that is parenthood with a smart, nonjudgmental and refreshing approach. Find them on Facebook and follow their blog to keep up with their useful, compassionate work.
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I've chosen one quote (of many I love) to feature on my website. “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there..." As an adoptee and an active member of various adoption communities, it is increasingly important to me that we move toward that field, beyond dichotomous ideas of rightness and wrongness, good/bad, either/or. Judgment and defensiveness brew in the non-overlapping boxes of "is it right or wrong, good or bad?" Judgment and defensiveness prevent us from listening deeply and they strip us of empathy. I've been there, and I still visit from time to time, but I work hard to keep those visits brief. My interludes with defensiveness and judgment are often accompanied by resentment, fatigue, anger, fear or vulnerability (to name a few). When I'm able to engage with this tension, increase mindfulness and reach out to my supports, I can find my way back to the field of healthy critical analysis, empathy and deep listening. Of course this process is fluid, and my own abilities continue to evolve--they ebb and flow based on my internal and external resources, current stressors, distractions and triggers. I believe this is a common experience and these are applicable concepts to be applied liberally; but I have a special interest in how this plays out among members of the adoption constellation (adoptees, birth/first/natural parents, adoptive parents, partners/cousins/siblings/friends of, etc). I worry (and admittedly become frustrated at times) when, in exploration of adoption, we get stuck in simplistic summaries of complex matters involving trauma, separation, loss and identity. Adoption is a complex industry, an adoptive family is a different kind of family than a biological one, and those who identify as members of the adoption constellation present to the world a diversity of experiences within it. And yet... our tendency can be to insist on pro/anti labels which perpetuate an unfortunate, stark division in the adoption world and hinder necessary progress toward anti-oppressive practices in adoption. What follows is my effort to highlight the coexistence of incompatible adoption-related issues--this is an incomplete list that begins to unpack the ways in which adoption is not either simply good or simply bad: Adoption is not all good:
Adoption has both failures and successes, it has both tragedy and triumph. Adoption is neither simply good nor simply bad. Because many of the truths in adoption are incompatible, it is not uncommon for those of us in the adoption constellation to experience grief, intense emotions, confusion, tension. Because it can be overwhelming, I find it most helpful when we create space to share authentically and hear each other. It is meaningful and affirming when we can connect about the complexities of what it means to be adopted or to otherwise live with adoption. In my work as a clinician and activist, and personally as an adoptee, I will always value deep listening, constructive criticism and sincere efforts to expand knowledge and awareness that take us beyond the binary.  |
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